Hey mama, how are you holding up?  

This week marked yet another challenging week, in what has already been a heartbreakingly challenging year.  It has only been one week since we joyfully, and somewhat reluctantly, rang in the New Year.  After the insanity of 2020, we all were ready for a new start.  A rebirth of sorts.  However, if there is one thing to take away from this time, it is that everything and nothing can change in the blink of an eye.

On January 6th, we all sat back and watched in awe as the hatred and divisiveness of our country was once again thrust into the forefront of our minds.  It was like a scene out of a movie – thousands of angry rioters descended on our nation’s capitol in an attempt to overturn the results of a democratic election.

As I watched the news unfold with my toddler and baby in my arms, my heart broke into a million little pieces for them.  Just as it has broken, over and over, during the course of the last year.  Last March, as the coronavirus pandemic ravaged through our country, I felt a sense of relief that my daughter was a newborn and my son had just turned two.  The fact that they were so young gave me hope that they could continue on with life, relatively unaffected by our hushed voices and strained tones.  I could get away with brushing off the drastic changes in our day-to-day routine with a simple explanation and a quick distraction.  In June, when the Black Lives Matter movement hit a violent peak in our country, I cried in the silence of naptime and wondered how I would teach my son about his inherent privilege as a white male in America.  We read articles and bought books about systemic racism and white privilege, taking a sigh of relief knowing that it would be years before we truly had to have those difficult conversations.

However, this moment in history felt different than the others we had experienced over the past year.  As I looked at my toddler, he was visibly worried – his ignorance was a luxury of the past.  He sensed that something was wrong, and since he couldn’t fully understand what he was seeing and hearing, he looked to me for comfort.  In that moment I knew I owed him an explanation, as unprepared for it as I was.  How do you begin to explain civil unrest and “domestic terrorism” to a toddler?

I have had a few days to process what happened in Washington D.C., and I still don’t know if I said the “right” thing.  I have had to process my own sense of guilt for exposing my children to the images they saw on the screen, knowing now that numerous studies show that childhood exposure to news coverage of traumatic events can lead to anxiety and PTSD.  However, it is important that we allow ourselves grace in times of uncertainty.  Remind ourselves that, yes, these are unprecedented times and that we are all just figuring it out as we go.  Take time for yourself, engage in activities that bring you comfort, and allow yourself to feel every difficult and uncomfortable emotion.

Having spent the past several days working through my self-imposed feelings of guilt, my emotions have been scattered between anxiety, sadness and everything in between.  However, the overwhelming emotion of this week is anger.  I feel anger that one man has the power to incite so much hatred, and that that hatred was displayed so freely and without remorse.  I feel anger knowing that if those men and women had had a different skin color, we would be telling a much different ending to the story.  And I feel anger that we as parents are put in the position to explain these types of events to our littles, while still searching for an explanation ourselves.  

It doesn’t feel fair that our babies are living through such tumultuous times – times that are hard enough for most adults to cope with, let alone a toddler or young child.  However, I remain hopeful that as time passes and we retell these stories, that we can also rewrite our futures. Our children are watching and they hold the key – what we do now sets the tone for them.  Nothing changes unless you change it, and this year has forever changed us for better or worse.  Who you are today is not who you were yesterday, and not who you will be tomorrow. Choose your path, wipe the slate clean and breathe for today.  Just like this season of life, the leaves will fall and when this season is over, the sun will bring new life and a new hope for the future.