Motherhood is the club no one talks about, until you are part of it. Even then, it is spoken about in hushed voices and with nervous glances.  “Toxic positivity” has become somewhat of a buzzword, especially during our current pandemic landscape.  However, it has long been an issue and it makes struggling mothers feel as though this struggle, and speaking up about their hardships, is somehow wrong.  

In my experience, moms just want to be seen and heard.  Yes, it is hard.  No, you’re not doing it wrong.  However,society places mothers in this category of the silent caretaker – forsake your needs for the needs of others, no matter the cost. Do not complain, for you made this life for yourself.  No one wants to hear about your loneliness, depression, sleepless nights and anxiety – just keep those rosy Instagram posts coming.  The trend of “good vibes only” positivity starts to do us a disservice when we feel we can no longer present an authentic version of ourselves.  When we get the impression that to feel anything other than grateful is inherently bad.

“What a beautiful family”, they say.  “Wow, you’re glowing – you look so happy!”  And my personal favorite, “you are so lucky, children are a blessing”.  What would they say if they saw the truth behind the smile and perfectly curated exterior?  That moments before that photo you had been crying, and that moments later you would return to the person who you never said you would be.  You promised you would be the “cool mom”, but so many times you are seconds from the edge, only to barely pull yourself back in.  Staying in a life that feels like it is not yours is the ultimate form of self-sacrifice. 

Have you ever posted anything “real” about your life – the struggle instead of the happiness, the tears instead of the smile? Counted the amount of hearts or likes that post received and felt the sting of rejection from those in your life?  Or had the words “I am not okay” about to roll off your tongue, only to keep silent as to not burden another person with that responsibility? We as a society owe it to mothers to listen to their stories, without judgement or placing guilt.  No matter how uncomfortable the conversation, it is one that needs to be had.  We can not continue in silence, when we are the ones raising the next generation of leaders.  How can we raise kind humans, when we are not kind to ourselves? 

That kindness begins when we begin to speak our truth.  The emergence of social media has created the ideal of what motherhood should be, and it is a slap in the face to those of us who have suffered from postpartum mood disorders.  Toxic positivity runs rampant in those forums, as if there is some unspoken pact once you enter the club of motherhood.  Maybe there are some people who make the seamless transition to motherhood, and surely that should be celebrated.  However, there are many more of us who have struggled, cried and lost our identities, feeling like we are going crazy.  Feeling like an anomaly for having dark thoughts surrounding the gift of motherhood.  In silence we breed negativity.  In silence we are disillusioned into thinking that we are alone.  Your mind can be a dangerous place, if left to run the show.  Together let us raise the shroud of secrecy and shame, for in these times we still only have each other.  Speak your truth once and for all, no matter what form it takes.  It may begin as a whisper to yourself – an admission in the dark.  The more we are proud of our scars and our struggles, the louder that voice will become, until you come roaring into the light.